unfortunately i had the expereince of receiving an F this semester from one of my profs in graduate school. unfortunately he is a dick and has screwed up the rest of my year at UB and i hate him for that. I have never received an F in my life let alone anything lower than a B-. Especially in grad school. None of my other teachers had a problem with me. that's what i get, a little straight white catholic girl taking queer theory. i was dead from thge start. the thing that really upset me is that I did all the work i was supposed to do and busted my ass. All for no credits, nothing. And get this--the guy had the nerve to say, and i quote--"in all honesty, i do not know how you got into graduate school at ub, or what you are even doing here." What a little bitch!!!!! I'm not taking this though, im going above and beyond him and he'll never know what hit his pretentious little shitty academic world.

well hello journal and journal people,
wow. i havent been on in a looong time. I actually havent been writing in a long time. which is a bad thing. all these thoughts in my head and i have no idea what to do with them. so i did write some poems lately. guess i'll just put those up to quell my anger, fears and anxieties....
enjoy,
nicole

• Wrong with me

Second guessing
The tears
The pity

Cant understand
Why I want whats wrong
What I can never have
Why things wont just be

Angry at my mind
Angry and my stupidity
To think that I could be
Everything there is to be

Angry at myself
For leaving my independence outside
Wanting the dependence
That I can't hide

So alone
Pretending for so long
And right now I can't break this
Right now I can't just be

Anything I thought I was.

• Build her up

Embrace the strength
Then toss her
Forsaking the delicate mind

In and out
Breathe
Rise and fall
Like innocence gone astray

Sands and ash
Comtemplating truth
Supervising circumstance
Of wasted words

Twisting of uncertainty
Mash of the apt
Fading away
To find a small soul

Breaking and grinding and churning
Never receiving
Wallowing in thirst
Cleaning out the ever-present

Unconsciously adoring
Painfully abhorring
Righteously pining
For the endless killing

Leaving and stirred
Aimlessly feeling
This pit of pits
Clean the slate

Should have been
Done sooner rather than later
Independence and dignity
Sinking deeper and deeper

Make it stop
Make it stop
Cant
Break
Free.

• Only you

Reflecting
Only you
Thinking

Only you
Breathing along
Only you
Wondering

Only you
Walking to the corner
Only you
Remembering

Only you
Creating a catastrophe
Only you
Waiting

Only you
Churing inside
Only you
Boiling

Only you
Asking why
Only you
Suffering

With an unreciprocated attatchment.


this has a bit to do with the man quotient in my life if you hadn't guessed already. sigh, im just tired of being confused and trying and just getting treated like a stupid fucking toy. i'm a person goddamit. so one of my resolutions for 05 is to start a clean slate with this relationship and dating stuff. problem is, so attatched to peop;le that treat me not so good. i know other people know how that is.....girls are so stupid, i will attest to that.

i just wrote a list of why i am happy today. then i lost it!!!
grr. i am not happy anymore.

you'll miss the sparkle that I endured
you'll miss the never ending lure
of something so pure
and considerate

i couldn't understand if you knew what you had
i had you
but maybe it was too much
for him to acknowledge

so you go and dissappear
and i'm left here
to sit and cry
wondering why im writing this

because i can't exactly put into words
how this hurts
or what it was
the fact that you couldn't kiss the one you loved.

you came in and collided
with an endearing force
and yet leaving on a good note
always hurts so much more

i wish i could just forget
all the memories, just regrets
pleasure is a pain
one we can't halt
love is one we can't stop

we only give
i never get.

today sucks.
people in this country suck.
i still think the country should split up....everyone south of the mason/dixon line and west of the mississippi...with the exception of california and washington and oregon...they can be their own country...like luxemborg. the northeast can be like switzerland.
the bush campaign basically won through the theory of fear and discrimination. although i believe the next four years will be filled with more death, destruction, outsourcing, unemployment, poverty, segregation, stupidity and hate--i am thankful that no one can change the philosophy and the spirit of america. im not getting blown up for writing this. so thank god for that.
i cannot believe 11 honkey states voted against gay marriage. what's next, seperate drinking fountains?
ugh. i don't even want to think about the next four years and what they will bring...possibly a move to toronto becaue i want be able to get a job HERE...but im going to keep fighting, and i hope everyone else does too.

congrats on being an awesome human being john kerry.....

thank you.